Hero | Scapegoat | Lost Child | Mascot {On Adult Children & Family Roles}
Do you find yourself assuming the position of child when you engage with a parent or sibling? Maybe it is a trip home for Christmas, a phone conversation, or over coffee or lunch. You enter the room an adult and suddenly find yourself morphed to your childhood.
If you find yourself resonating with the above, you are not alone. Adult children the world over face this, often crippling, sensation when engaging with those in their family of origin [those they grew up with]. This childhood self usually takes one of four forms – hero, scapegoat, lost child, or mascot.[1]
For some, this means reverting back to their role as the family Hero. On the outside they exert the perfect performance (convinced this will smooth out any existing or anticipated waves). They lead, have it all together (if only in their mind) and are often quite serious and admired. On the inside they live with a perpetual sense of never being enough.
Others, the family Scapegoat, assume the role of guilty. No doubt they have given up trying to please the family a long time ago, reverting to (what the family considers) rebellion against that which is deemed unfair or not right. They often have difficulty fitting in and find themselves compared to siblings. Inside they often feel left out of the family.
Then there is the Lost Child. This is the child who tries to be as unseen as possible. They often isolate themselves using means such as reading, music, television, or video games. A Lost Child tends to have a strong attachment to animals. Internally, they simply feel different.
Many families also have a Mascot child. This is the happy-go-lucky child, often hyper-energetic and yet one the family views as fragile and in need of protection. This child tends to keep the spotlight on their self. However, on the inside, he or she lives a fearful and anxious life, knowing something is wrong but that no one acknowledges it.
“Okay,” you say. “You’ve pegged me, now what?”
Begin by taking a deep breath. You have spent the past several decades living out this role; it isn’t going to resolve itself in a moment of insight. The process begins by naming the role you have taken on in your family. You will want to begin to understand the way you uniquely take on this role. This will boil down to two tasks: notice & record. When you step into the role, be aware of who it is you are with and what it taking place; then turn inward: what you are thinking, feeling, doing and saying? Once you have some date, be intentional recording your finding s. Start using a notebook, journal, or even a mobile device to write about what you notice. Tackle these (noticing & recording) and you will be headed in a beneficial direction. There are a few things, however, you will want not to do: First off, it won’t be to your advantage to identify and announce the roles of others in your family. It may be helpful for you to identify where each family member best fits, just keep that information to yourself. Something else to keep in mind is that when you begin on this path, things will most likely become more disrupted and messy before they make a turn for the better. Hang in there, though. The cost pales compared to the worth of the journey.
By Kjersten Halvorsen, MA | 719.232.4132
Return to http://kjerstenhalvorsen.com
